Oh Hell no!
by Dixie990
Summary: Shepard and her comrades find some interesting images on the extranet, much to poor Garrus's dismay! Was a one shot just for kicks... now with added stupidness for more kicks! :D
1. Aw Hell no!

**AW HELL NO!**

**AN: In honour of this story being my most popular, I thought I'd finally get round to giving it a shakeup, correcting typo's formatting etc. The content has not been changed one little bit and in my opinion it's still one of the worst things I've ever written! For anyone knew to this shameful piece of prose… it's not meant to be taken seriously! Enjoy my fellow Mass effect junkies!**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER ONE – ON THE EXTRANET<strong>

"Hey Garrus! Come here a minute!" Commander Shepard called to the passing Turian. She and several other crewmen were gathered around a portable console set on the table of the mess hall. Tali and Grunt sat either side of her sniggering into their palms. Even Jack had come out of her hidey hole and stood next to Chambers with a stupid grin on her face.

Garrus jabbed his thumb at the door of the main battery. "Can it wait I'm just in the middle of…"

"Don't you dare say calibrations!" Shepard snapped, her eyes narrowed in a mock icy glare. "It'll only take a minute!"

Garrus sighed heavily but made his way over to the table. When had he ever been able to refuse his commander? He'd agreed to go into hell and back hadn't he? He stood behind Jack, and glanced at the screen.

"What the hell! Shepard!"

At the sound of his outburst the crew, Shepard included, burst into fits of hysterics.

"Apparently since coming out successful from the omega 4 relay…" Tali managed to gasp. "Some of us have acquired um… fans… on the extranet."

"Aw don't be shy Garrus you look cute in a Santa hat!" Chambers said through giggles. She paused to giggle some more. "Even if you're not wearing much else."

"I'm a Turian! I don't do cute!"

"The picture disagrees Vakerian!" Grunt roared.

"Wait wait!" Shepard had recovered enough from her laughter to sit up straight. "There's more!" She clicked a few buttons and the picture of Garrus in a Santa hat vanished. It was replaced by a new image.

Garrus felt his eyes grow wide. Some people had some weird imaginations. "Aw hell no!"

The laughter of his comrades resumed. At the top of the image were words declaring the artists undying love for the vigilante, followed by a cartoon of himself lounging on a bed with feathery angel wings, his trusty sniper rifle and… not much else.

Shepard clicked again for a new picture. Garrus almost threw up. "Why in spirits name would I do 'that' to Thane!"

As her crewmates roared with laughter, Shepard tilted her head to onside. "Wow Garrus, I know you said you had an impressive reach but…"

"Not another word Shepard!" Garrus snapped.

"Can Drell even bend that way?" Tali asked. "I know Thane is pretty dexterous but…"

"If you have any respect for me Tali'Zorah you won't finish that sentence! Come on Shepard that's enough." Garrus pleaded with his commander. "Ok that's gotta be a breach of Turian rights or something!" Shepard had found a new image.

"I suppose they didn't think you'd be back from the relay." Chambers mused.

"Yeah but I can't even eat… Joe's southern fried chicken wings! How am I meant to recommend them!?"

More laughter.

Jack leaned forwards, trying to reach the console. "Come on next one!" She managed to hit the button and change the picture.

Grunt doubled over, Tali looked as horrified as she could behind her mask, Jack thumped Shepard on the back, and Garrus felt himself smile a little. "Well Commander, you didn't tell me you had a weakness for men with scars…" he murmured.

Shepard stiffened, her pale skin flushing in embarrassment. She reached out and turned the console off. "Ok that's enough… back to work people we've got jobs to do, reapers to kill!"

Unfortunately, the visual of their commander wrapped around a certain Turian comrade in something of a desperate, provocative manner seemed to have lowered her crew's respect for her a notch.

"Oh so it's ok to laugh at Vakarian but not you Shepard?" Jack smirked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Shepard turned to the woman, mischief and devilry in her eyes. "If you like I can bring up that lovely on of you and Grunt…"

"You wouldn't!"

Shepard's smooth smile did all the talking. Jack mumbled a tirade of curses as she turned and headed back towards engineering.

"I think Jack's got a point Commander…" Garrus said with a grin. "I bet you have a much bigger fan base than I do…"

"I tell you what…" Said Shepard as she switched the console back on. "We'll compromise… let's see what kind of fan base Thane has…" She pulled up an image.

Chambers leaned in a little. "Oh my god! Is that a blow up doll?"

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><p><strong>Find Angelwing studios on Facebook for more of my work! <strong>


	2. Doing some drell

**Ok… my twisted little sister and I came up with this while tackling the jungle that was her bedroom floor…anyway, it got us into fits of hysterics and she insisted that I put it down on paper. So… this one's for you BZ.**

**(Oh… and sorry to any Thane fans, for some reason the poor drell always gets the short end of the stick in this story. LOL also apologise for OOCness of the Thane character here, tis done deliberately for comical effect.)**

**Set during that 'special night' before going into the relay; after Mordin warns Shepard about the hallucinogenic qualities of drell kisses. **

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWO – DOING SOME DRELL<strong>

Shepard moaned into his kiss, running her hands over the skin of his back. Thane couldn't help himself; his hands ran from her shoulders to her hips as he pressed himself against her body. Shepard slipped his jacket off his arms, pausing their deep kiss to breath down god given air. Her breaths came in short shallow gasps as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Oh Thane…" she sighed. "Thane…"

"Siha." The romance of the moment made his heart sore for the first time in years.

"Thane… why are there monkeys on the desk?"

Thane frowned, pulling away from her and looking into her face. "Sorry?"

"The monkeys!" She pointed over his shoulder at the desk. Thane glanced back, but saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"Holy crap!" The commander suddenly exclaimed. "That's one big Friggin banana!"

"Is that some sort of human euphemism? Siha?" He scanned her face, noticing how her skin was flushed and a little clammy, her eyes were wide, startled, the pupils expanded as wise as they could be.

"God I want that banana!" She murmured.

Thane took her by the shoulders, shaking her a little. "Siha, there is no banana, you are not well."

She waved a dismissive hand. "I'm fine." Her voice high pitched; her tone bubbly and carefree. "I feel great!" She suddenly tore her wide eyes from the desk and looked at him with renewed interest. "Wow! You're… green!"

"Siha…" His protest was cut off as she leaned up and captured his lips, kissing him like her life depended on it.

Thane tried to push her away, his sense of morality telling him that he should not allow himself to take advantage of Shepards obviously diminished sense of well… sense. Shepard however was having none of it, clinging to him like he was her lifeline.

Finally she broke away from him, looking round the cabin with wide joyful eyes. "Oh my god! It's so bright!" She giggled wildly, falling onto her bed. "So many banana's!" she gasped.

Thane watched her, fear rising in his chest and making him feel sick. He'd hurt her, he'd driven her insane!

He turned and dashed from the room, Shepard giggling manically behind him.

Thane raced to Mordins lab, finding the Salarian doctor scanning Garrus's face wound. Dr Chakwas flicking through some information on a data pad. The trio looked up at the drells sudden appearance.

"I broke her!" Thane gasped. "Shepard! She's gone mad!"

There was a silence so thick Thane was sure it could be cut with a knife.

The Salarian looked thoughtful. "Broke her? Unlikely, Shepard very durable… madness? Effect of drell saliva perhaps? Cerberus implants could make her sensitive…"

As if on cue Shepard walked, somewhat unsteadily through the doors, followed by Miranda and Kelly.

"Would someone explain to me why the commander thinks the ship is overrun by mutant monkeys and dancing banana's?" Miranda narrowed her eyes and folded her arms over her chest.

Shepard laughed madly. "It's so Friggin' funny!"

"It's really not." Kelly was eyeing her commander with a look of terror.

Chakwas stepped forwards. "Commander, why don't you come sit over here…"

The commander jerked away from the Doctors hands. "Hell no! I'm gonna dance with the Banana's!" With that declaration Shepard began to spin in circles, humming to herself as she went.

"Goodness… quite a severe reaction." Mordin looked over the spinning commander with a curious gaze. "Overly sensitive to hallucinogenic would seem… predisposition to it…"

"Well this is just great!" Said Garrus sarcastically as Thane tried desperately to stop his Siha from spinning madly. "Where hitting the relay in less than 2 hours and Shepards tripping! Who the hell is gonna deal with the collectors!" The team all settled their eyes on him. "Aw hell no! You can't be serious!"

Miranda shrugged. "Ordinarily I would volunteer myself, however I do not command the respect of the alien members of this team. You do…"

"I'm sorry… did you forget I got my last team massacred!"

"Relax!" Chakwas stepped in. "No one needs to take over from Shepard. I'll give her something to relax her and counter the allergic reaction, she'll be back on her feet in an hour or so…"

"You can fix this?" Thane asked, worry written all over his usually passive features.

"No trouble." Mordin waved a hand. "Prepared anti allergens for just such reaction. Commander will have headache… but otherwise unharmed."

Relief washed over the Drell's face as Mordin approached Shepard, who was now swaying on the spot, Thanes arms holding her shoulders. The Salarian gave her the shot and immediately Shepard frowned.

"Monkeys? Where'd you go! I want that banana! Bastards!" With those final words Shepard passed out, the drell catching her and lifting her into his arms.

"Put her to bed." Chakwas instructed. "I'll check her over in an hour or so."

**EPILOGUE**

Shepard leaned over the railings, staring at the galaxy map with tired eyes. Her head was pounding and all the colours in the room seemed that little bit brighter. It made her head pound even more. Kelly kept given her nervous sideways glances, and Shepard felt the cringe of embarrassment every time she noticed the young woman.

Garrus came out of the armoury and headed to the lift. "Hey Commander…" He called. Shepard could tell from the tone of his voice that she wasn't going to like whatever he said next. Still, she turned to acknowledge him. "Got any banana's lately?"

"Piss off Vakarian!" She snapped. "They were Friggin good banana's!"

**TWO DAYS LATER**

Garrus spun round as the doors to the main battery opened and Thane slid in, immediately taking cover behind the crates in the corner.

"Krios? What's going on?"

"Officer Vakarian…" He sounded breathless, like he'd just run a marathon. "I'm sorry to inconvenience you, but I need somewhere to hide."

"Hide? What from? Are we under attack?" Garrus felt his hand reach for his gun instinctively.

Thane however shook his head. "The Normandy is safe. I wish I could say the same for myself."

Garrus managed a readable puzzled expression on his Turian features. Thane sighed, about to explain when there was a shout from the mess hall.

"Thane! Come on! I want to play with the monkeys!"

"What in spirits name?" Garrus trailed off, looking down at Thane. "Was that Shepard!"

Thane nodded looking sullen. "She wanted to give our relationship another try… it did not end well. Now she wishes to 'do more drell' as she so eloquently put it."

Garrus snorted, then burst out laughing. "Hell I thought I was a hit with the ladies but you got them hooked on you… literally!" He laughed harder as the doors to the battery opened again and a slightly dazed looking Shepard waltzed in. She looked round then pounced on her Drell lover who managed to slip her grasp and leg it down the hall.

Shepard pouted. "Oh come on Kermit! I don't wanna come down yet! Just let me play a little while! I promise I'll share my banana's! Thane!" She ran after him, leaving Garrus doubled over in laughter.

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><p><strong>So my excuse for this disgrace of a story? BZ made me do it! ^^<strong>

**Addendum: It occurs to me now that there is a slight continuity error here in that Kelly would have been abducted by the collectors at this point… oh well… it's a load of rubbish anyway! XD **


	3. Garrus's BIG mission

**Ok….this one was all my idea, no little sister to blame this time. ^^ It's surreal, its crazy… its downright stupid… and that's the whole point! Characters are, as always OTT and OC so take it with a pinch of salt… or maybe a handful… heck… season to taste!**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THREE – GARRUS' BIG MISSION<strong>

Garrus left the main battery a little early, pleased to have finished all his calibrations for the day. He was looking forward to sitting back with a mug of turian tea and putting his feet up when he spied his commander standing by Gardeners station. He raised his hand in greeting, then stopped abruptly. "Err, Shepard… what is that?" Garrus asked pointing at the bundle of creature in her arms. She was rocking it slowly, humming a tune under her breath and forcing a white formula into its mouth through a kind of feeding tube.

Shepard looked up at his question and beamed brightly. "Hmm?" She looked strangely cheerful, and unusually gentle. It was not a look Garrus enjoyed seeing on his Commander while in the midst of a war they seemed to be fighting single handed. "This little chap? Oh, We found him on Horizon just as we were leaving. Well, actually Jack found him. No one there made a claim to him so we're just giving him a ride to the citadel to find his family."

"I'm sorry?" Garrus looked bemused.

"Jeez Garrus, I'm starting to think you've never seen a human baby before!"

"Baby? You mean… that thing is gonna grow into a human?" He stared at the almost bald fleshy thing that cooed and hiccupped at him.

"Sure." Shepard seemed to find his confusion humorous, which only infuriated him that little bit more. "Which reminds me, I have to make a stop to Omega for supplies and I need someone to watch over little Jack Jnr…"

"Jack Jnr?"

Shepard nodded. "You shoulda seen the look on Jack's face when I named him. Priceless." She laughed as she spoke causing the bundle in her arms to open its mouth and wail loudly. The sound burned Garrus's audio receptors and made him flinch away.

Shepard took a few moments to calm the infant and then, to Garrus's utter shock, began to hand him over. "Make sure you feed him at nineteen hundred hours, and he'll probably need his nappy changed about an hour after… if he starts crying try bouncing him up and down a little or swaying… he likes that. Unless you know any turian lullabies? Do your people even have lullabies?" Garrus held the infant only because she pressed it against his hands.

"Uh… I don't think this is a good idea…Surely Thane…"

"Thane is coming with me…"

"Samara then?"

"Also coming with me…"

"Miranda? Jacob? They're at least human!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. "Really Garrus, Miranda and Jacob? Come on, there's no one I trust more than you, I'm sure you can handle a little baby for a couple of hours…If you get really stuck Kelly can give you pointers I'm sure."

"Why not just get Kelly to watch him?"

Shepard laughed. "That pre-teen? I don't trust her with a chip fork, let alone an infant! Look, I'll only be a few hours. He's not that much work!" With those final words of encouragement Shepard turned and headed towards the elevator, leaving Garrus standing with Jack Jnr blowing bubbles and drooling from the side of his mouth. "Ah crap."

He had to admit, the bundle was kind of cute… if he squinted his eyes and pretended the little mass of black hair was actually a fringe. With a heavy sense of foreboding Garrus headed back into the main battery and, carefully as he could, set the baby onto his cot. He stood over it, watching it a moment. It writhed around, flapping its arms and making groaning noises. Was it in pain? Garrus felt nervous, he bent down to examine him. How the hell was he supposed to tell? What the hell was he supposed to do about it if Jack Jnr were in pain? He prodded at the baby's tummy a little, unsure of what else to do. "Hey… you ok in there?"

The baby's face grew red, its features scrunched up, and all of a sudden it's mouth burst open in an ear splitting wail.

"Shit!" Garrus fumbled with the blankets trying to rearrange them more comfortably, he tried to mimic the tune he'd heard Shepard humming, but was sure he was making things worse. He had never felt so useless in his life. "EDI, has Shepard left for Omega yet?" He asked the AI.

"I'm afraid you just missed her officer Vakarian. Would you like me to send her an update?"

"Spirits no… I'm sure it's nothing… I'm sure he'll just… calm down…" The last thing he wanted was for Shepard to spend the next few missions mocking him because he couldn't even take care of a baby for an evening. She still hadn't let him get over the whole fan page on the extranet thing that included unflattering pictures of him and Thane. "Ok… Shepard is counting on me, I can do this. How hard can it be?"

An unpleasant smell filled the air making Garrus clutch his nose trying to block it out. It smelled worse than all the cesspools of Omega… and it was coming from the baby. "EDI… where is Kelly at the moment?"

"Kelly is in the cockpit with Jeff. Would you like me to call her for you?"

"No no… I'll go and see her." Anything to get away from that god awful smell. Without thinking anymore on it, Garrus backed away from the baby, then fled the main battery as if it had just caught fire. He reached the elevator and pressed the call button about a hundred times. He could still smell it at this distance. He was becoming more and more sure that Jack Jnr had been engineered by the collectors to be some kind of biological weapon.

Finally the doors opened and Jack the fully grown human stepped out. "What's got your panties in a twist Turian?" She snapped at Garrus knocked into her.

He didn't have time to answer before the doors shut between them.

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><p>"Honestly Garrus, it's not that hard. You just clean it up and put a new nappy on."<p>

"You're the expert here Miss Chambers, I'm sure you can handle it." Garrus patted the Yeoman on the shoulder, trying to seem as if asking her how to change a nappy was the most normal thing in the world. Next to all the other crazy shit he was used to dealing with, he supposed it kinda was. Kelly stifled a giggle.

Garrus opened the door to the main battery. "I left him just…there? What the hell!" He pulled the blankets around, even checked under the cot, but Jack Jnr, was nowhere to be found. "He's so… tiny how could he have got away!"

"You lost him!" Kelly shrieked. "You left him alone here!"

"Well I didn't think he would have gotten far!" Garrus snapped back.

"Oh my god Garrus! How could you?" Kelly was looking at him like he was the most evil thing in the universe. "I'd have thought you would have gotten someone to just watch him!"

"Why would I do that? What's he gonna do? Hack into my terminal when I'm not here! He's not tall enough! Or do human babies just sprout when peoples backs are turned?"

"Of course not!" Kelly huffed, her hands on her hips. "But they're helpless! You can't just leave them on their own! We have to find him! EDI…"

"I have already begun scans of the Normandy Miss Chambers. I will notify you as soon as they are complete, however, I must advise Officer Vakarian that there is a ninety one point eight per cent chance that Commander Shepard will have you thrown out of an airlock on her return."

Garrus cringed. "Yeah she's gonna be pissed!"

"We have to find Jack Jnr, he can't have gotten too far…" Kelly turned back towards the mess and Garrus, feeling nervous about how long he might live if the baby didn't turn up, followed her.

Half an hour later, and they had searched the crew deck. Miranda and Dr. Chakwas had joined in the search, fearful of Shepards temper Garrus was sure; but there was no sign of little Jack Jnr.

"Oh this is ridiculous!" Snapped Miranda. "It can't even crawl yet! Kelly close that cupboard! If it can't crawl it certainly can't open Gardeners secret stores!" The Yeoman shut the cupboard sadly, and stood upright.

"What else do you suggest Miranda? That the baby just vanished? Or maybe it got on the elevator and is touring the ship?" Chakwas said with an air of amusement. "Frankly I'm surprised he would even get out of the main battery. Garrus you're sure you checked everywhere?"

Garrus nodded. "Sure, I could smell that thing a mile away, he's not here…"

"Then there's nothing for it. EDI, sound an alert, we obviously have some sort of security breach… notify Shepard immediately and…"

"That will not be necessary Operative Lawson. I believe I have located Jack Jnr. He is in the hull of the ship, his life signs show he is in no immediate danger."

"The hull?" Garrus asked, his mandible spreading in surprise. "How the hell did he get down there?"

"You better go look." Miranda suggested. "You're the babysitter."

That conjured up all sorts of crazy images for the poor turian. "The what?"

"Just go get him!" the Operative snapped.

XXXXXXX

Garrus crept down the stairs from main engineering to the very bowels of the ship. He drew his pistol, ready to confront whatever dark, cruel and twisted creature would kidnap a poor helpless baby human, and in doing so put his turian arse on the line.

He rounded the corner, raising his gun and shouted "Freeze!"

He could hardly believe the sight that met him. In fact, he had to shake himself a little just to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Maybe he had fallen asleep while watching Jack Jnr and this was some kind of twisted dream? He lowered his gun to pinch at his forearm. Nope, definitely awake.

Jack the fully grown was lying in her cot, snoozing lightly, and wrapped protectively in her arms was Jack the not so grown up. The smell that Garrus had left with the baby was gone, but on the table near the cot was an array of nappies, cream and baby powder. On the floor by the bed was an empty feeding tube, and Jack Jnr, was snoozing alongside his companion.

"The Jack Jnr napper… is… Jack?"

The biotic stirred, and woke abruptly, no doubt because of his shouting. She sat up, still expertly cradling little Jack in her arms. She surveyed Garrus with a narrow eyed glare. "If you ever… and I mean ever… mention this to anyone, I will personally cut you a new scar to match the one you already got… clear with me Turian!" She snapped.

"Crystal." Garrus affirmed. Nodding his head in agreement. "How did you…" He pointed from the table, to the feeding tube, to the sleeping infant, lost for words.

"Jeez, man up Vakarian. It's only a baby!" Jack got to her feet and wondered over, handing little Jack to Garrus… who promptly cooed, and threw up all over his turian baby sitter.

Garrus moaned "Aw Hell no!"


	4. A small case of hero worship

**Just to clarify, each of these chapters is a one shot and not at all related. As such… this Shepard got it going with Garrus. This is the story of a few days after a 'romantic' movie night gone horribly… horribly wrong… XD**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER FOUR – A SMALL CASE OF HERO WORSHIP<strong>

"Jeez Commander you look like hell!" Said Kelly Chambers as she passed Shepard on her way to breakfast. The commander in question had her head on the table in front of her, several cups drained of their coffee laid out by her hands. She only groaned in response.

The yeoman frowned and sat beside Shepard, placing a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Is this about the suicide mission? You want to talk about it?"

The commander lifted her head a fraction and glared at the councillor. "Ms. Chambers… my favourite thing to do is blow up bad guys… we managed the mission with zero casualties and… I got to tell your illusive man to stick it where the sun don't shine… what part of that is traumatising!?" She moaned again and slammed her head against the table. "It was our love of blowing up bad guys that brought us together! How… how could he do this to me!?"

Kelly frowned. "Did something happen between you and Garrus Commander? I'm qualified in relationship counselling Ma'am… and I know a thing or two about turians if it's a cultural issue…"

The commander sat straight suddenly and grabbed the poor woman by the front of her uniform, terrifying her with the mad look in her eyes. "He ruined it for me Kelly! The best frikin film in my collection and he ruined it! If only I'd never shown him! It's all he goes on about! McClane this… McClane that…. He's watched the bloody vid so much it's worn out! He has a pic of the man as his omni tool backdrop! It used to be my picture Kelly! I've been replaced by a movie star! And last night… Oh god…" Whatever it was the turian had done seemed too horrible for the commander and she groaned pathetically, letting go of the yeoman and hitting her head on the table again. "He started quoting it during sex Kelly! Lines from that damn vid!"

"Commander? I'm afraid I don't follow…"

Shepard heaved a heavy sigh. "It was going to be a wonderful date night… movies, popcorn a little wine… I thought he'd like it… some old earth classics… boy did he frikin like it! Did I get any that night Kelly!? No! No I did not! He had to watch the bloody thing three times!"

"What vid was it?" As Kelly spoke the door to the main battery slid open and Garrus waltzed out, his eyes fixed on his omni tool.

"Hey Shepard! Did you know there are FIVE die hard films!? How come you only got the one!? Doesn't matter I put in an order at the citadel…" Apparently oblivious to the commander's distress Garrus leaned down as he reached her to brush his cheek over her head. "Soon as they come in babe… you, me and one action packed evening!" He made a happy trilling noise, then waltzed off again towards the elevator. Shepard watched after him with tears in her eyes.

"Aw hell no!"


	5. Alien habbits

**I got to blame one of the chapters on my twisted little sister… well this one goes out to my twisted little brother who came up with the idea one evening while we were killing reapers together. ;)**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER FIVE- ALIEN HABBITS <strong>

"Hey! Hey Shepard you gotta come see this!" Garrus grabbed her arm as soon as the elevator door opened on the crew deck and dragged her unceremoniously into the mess hall.

Thane was sitting at the dinner table, hands folded in front of him, slouched slightly. It was the way he usually sat, though his expression was… if possible… darker than usual. Was he… scowling? Around him a small gathering of crewmen was standing, watching him like he was some kind of asari stripper.

Shepard scratched her head. "What's going on here?" She asked her turian friend.

Garrus inclined his head to Thane as he approached Gardner's station. "Check this out!" He picked up part of a levo ration in one of is claws and turned to Thane, still sitting on the other end of the room.

"Don't!" the drell snapped irritably, but Garrus had already moved, throwing the ration high into the air in Thanes general direction.

Faster than Shepard could blink a long, sticky tongue snapped from Thane and grabbed at the ration, pulling it back into the drells mouth, who proceeded to munch at it while shooting death glares at the turian. Said turian, was grasping at the counter, trying to stay upright while he and the rest of the crew laughed their heads off. Thane finished his snack… and put his head against the table mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like a prayer for mercy.

Shepard put her hand to her forehead. "Gods damn it Garrus! He's a lizard! Of course he can do that weird tongue thing!" she rolled her eyes as Garrus continued to howl with laughter.

Thane got to his feet and began to head back towards life support. "This is why I dislike socialising Siha." He mumbled. Shepard however, grabbed his arm.

"It's ok Thane… at least you don't purr and shake your leg when someone scratches you under the fringe! And I haven't caught you 'scenting' your territory yet either."

Garrus's laughing stopped immediately. "Aw hell no! I do not…!"

"Dude… you were rubbing your mandibles around the edge of your console… I saw you."

"At least I don't chew my own toenails." The turian fired back.

"Admit it… you're turned on by how… 'Flexible' I am." She winked at him. "Never seen a turian woman put her feet near her mouth."

"At least I'm not turned on by reptile tongue!"

"Laugh it up Garrus, too bad for you I'm not turned on by bird brains." Shepard winked at him and patted Thane on the back before heading back to the elevator to take the ride up to her Cabin. "Boys…" She mumbled.

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><p><strong>It's stupid… it's a load of crap… it's meant to be. ;)<strong>


End file.
